itsdaniriley

January 2023

I was going through all of my old journals the other night. Lately I have been feeling very nostalgic and there may be many reasons that play into that. Reconnecting with someone very special from my past, hitting a milestone in my biggest break-up, and just this season with the holidays and all. 

It has been 2 years and just about 2 months since it happened. My biggest break-up that is. That’s important to mention. Not because it’s been so l o n g , or short, or whatever you would judge that amount of time to be…But, because I have recently learned that our culture doesn’t understand a lot about relationships and break-ups under the surface. 

There are milestones. Especially for the BIG ones. The “serious” ones. The one’s you swore would be forever. 

There is the the “haven’t cried in days/weeks/months” milestones. The “accepting that it’s really over” milestone. The “their first girlfriend/boyfriend after me” milestone. The “my first relationship after them” milestone. And every other milestone that comes between those and the one that I have most recently hit: 

The, “they are engaged” milestone.

It’s important for me to say to those reading this, especially for those who know me, that I’m OK. I really, really am! I am not writing this because I am “so upset.” On the contrary, I wish him and her the best. I don’t know or see much, but it seems that they’re happy. And despite any pain I felt or feel, there is only enough energy inside of my heart to commit to wishing another human being the best <3. 

I AM writing this because I have recently uncovered an important message that I think is worth sharing. And what do they say about vulnerability? Something like vulnerability begets healing, strength, connection, community. The list goes on. So, here you go. 

_{It’s important to spend time, alone or in therapy, discussing and observing your feelings. Whether or not you think they are important, they are. If you feel them, they are important and deserve attention.} 

I think that this milestone really is just one of the reasons why I have been feeling so nostalgic lately.  But in particular, I think that by discussing this milestone with my therapist I learned that I had more feelings about it than I initially thought. 

I didn’t think that I was upset at all because I wasn’t upset in the way that I had been used to feeling in the past surrounding this situation. I was “fine” because I wasn’t crying or feeling heartbroken and anxious. I really didn’t feel much and this was kind of weird to me. But, I was able to recognize feeling some sort of anger for a just moment. 

Now, I have my own issues with anger. I typically don’t feel comfortable with the emotion because it feels dangerous and threatening to me. So, as soon as I felt the anger I kind of talked myself out of it. Listing all of the reasons why I should not be, why it doesn’t do any good to be angry, etc. I was avoiding it.

I could have very easily not mentioned this in my session last week, but I did. Mostly because I’m getting used to being more vulnerable with the concept of free association and when I remembered this moment, this feeling of anger, I just spoke it out loud. I didn’t judge it, nor did I filter myself. This is where the biggest learnings come. From the things you don’t think are worth mentioning. These end up being the greatest vessels for self-enlightenment. 

We discussed why I thought I felt that anger. Why I shut that feeling down so fast. And most importantly, the importance of what that anger meant. I didn’t realize it was telling me that I felt left behind. 

There is so much that happens when a relationship ends. There is a lot of grieving that demands to be done. I didn’t realize how long the process would be. For me at least. With different milestones, come different feelings. And maybe for everyone they are different? However for everyone, there are feelings. Feelings that are trying to tell you something. Something that is vital in order to keep you moving forward. 

I did feel left behind. Not because I wanted to be with him now. Not because I was jealous. But, because I was mourning. I was reminded of and was now sitting with feelings, memories, and promises broken by the both of us. All of which I had pushed to the deepest part of my memory. There was no escaping them now.

When you are able to identify your feelings down to the root, you are able to l e t g o and meet the next level. Next level of work, of healing, of joy. Self-awareness happens as a result of a person being brave enough to allow themselves to feel something without identifying as that feeling. 

Which leads me to my next point. I think that the next step for me, after realizing all of this, was to actually allow myself to mourn. 

Enter old journals. 

I was in disbelief at how much ugliness that had happened. At how much I did not recognize myself in the words written on that paper. I would write and write. Begging God to help us and our relationship. I would literally write how sorry I was for everything I had been going through. Including my mental illness. I felt so much responsibility. I felt so much grief. So much anxiety. There was such an absence of anger though. I could not allow myself to feel angry. Whether it be with him or the situation at hand. It felt too threatening.

There was SO much that came up.

Yesterday in my session when I began to speak about going through my journals, tears just began to fall. I’m not one to come to the question of “what would you tell your younger self then?” But my therapist asked and holy shit. I felt so bad for her. It literally broke my heart. How desperate she was for love. Even if it wasn’t healthy. So desperate that she would take any of the blame for any and everything that went wrong and put it on herself and her illness. 

She didn’t know any better. Neither did he. There has been so much that has been learned because of it. For that I’m thankful. But, I realized how far I have come without mourning that time. I mean it was years. Journal entries that sounded the same. SO sad. SO desperate…over years. I did not recognize myself. It made me sad. But mostly, it made me angry now. Angry with myself. Why would I blame myself like I did? Why would I tear myself apart. Why would I shame myself for my mental illness? Why would he let me take so much blame and beat myself up so much?

It is no wonder I ended up being severely depressed. Anger that is not allowed to be felt, anger that is turned inward, becomes d e p r e s s i o n. This anger was so deeply burrowed inside of me that it took this milestone, a couple of years after the fact, to help me address it and heal even more. 

I felt the anger and I healed a little more. 

She didn’t know any better. Neither did he.

Nobody talks about the milestones in a breakup. Nobody tells you that you will mourn, not just for the person who is in longer in your life. But, for the time you spent, the plans you made, and the person you were.