itsdaniriley

That’s how many notes I have in my phone right now.

I used to journal a lot more. But now, I find myself not having the energy or capacity to journal during the day. I think this is the result of complete burn-out which then results in avoidance behavior. A lot is making me feel anxious and avoidant recently. But anyways…These days, what usually happens is that at night, while attempting to fall asleep, I experience a flood of swirling thoughts in my head. It’s a lot easier to open up my phone and type them out instead of getting out of bed, turning on my light and writing them on paper.

Sometimes I feel like the ability to express my feelings is most raw and accurate at this time. It’s like it shows up unannounced, and when it does I have to like rush to take advantage of the time I have to put my thoughts into words.

So, here we are..I have 340 notes in my phone. A lot of which are thoughts from moments I described above.

My most recent note was from a couple of nights ago. I had sort of a mini “returning” to myself moment. For some background, the past few months…since March really, I have been sort of in and out of a depressive episode. Annoying, right? But the past few months have been especially crazy. Dream chasing, working at the same time, leaving a job that I loved, having my path re-routed and plans delayed, spending time alone with myself with no plans or job, continuing to work on my dream… It’s been a roller-coaster to say the least.

I have been trying to do everything that I can in order to feel more like myself and to remind myself to trust the process and God’s plan for me.

And I do, but it hasn’t been easy most days.

Surviving. Sometimes if all you can do is get yourself out of bed, you’ve won the day. I get it. Looking back I have been there. I guess I just have never really had a realization like I did in the middle of one of these “just surviving” stages.

It was sort of an out of body experience. Like the other night, it was almost as if I was able to step o u t s i d e of my body. My body, which has been such a hero to my soul. Despite the questions that keep my mind racing at night, my soul tired. My body-Continuing. Surviving.

This night I was able to see and feel myself as a version of me that was more recognizable.

Earlier that day I had therapy and I was explaining to my therapist how lately it has been a little difficult to feel e x c i t e m e n t or j o y. How my consistent baseline mood/feeling recently has been, “meh.” And so she proceeded to ask me, when DO I notice myself feeling j o y or most like myself? I thought for a while. I had posted a video of myself riding my at home SoulCycle bike on my instagram story that morning. I realized that when I saw the way I was smiling, moving, and just being in that video, I really recognized myself. My actual self, in that moment.

It definitely motivated me to get back on the bike after my appointment. And so I did. I took a 45 minute class with @MaddzTaddz from Boston. Which by the way, was one of my favorite classes to date. For those of you who know SoulCycle, you’ll get what I am about to say. The way that Maddz rode the bike, coached her room, and connected with her riders _{(even through a screen!!)} left me i n s p i r e d. I believe I have heard in her podcast Wicked Fearless, that she believes in God. And so do I. However, regardless of whatever one believes in, I think we can all relate to the feeling I felt and the observation I made.. I couldn’t help but notice the way she rode with so much passion, joy, wisdom, and genuine care for others… it was as if it were a form of worship or celebration. When somebody lives out loud like that, there is a sense of contagiousness that is unavoidable.

It got me r e c o n n e c t e d.

It made me think to myself, “THIS is why my dream is my dream.” Because it’s where I feel most connected. Most capable to give of myself. Most in-tune with who God intended me to be. Like, if I could inspire people to move their bodies, to continue living and fighting, and remind them of all of the good in themselves and the world, the way that she did in those 45 minutes for me, then holy sh*t _{(& holy run on sentence, lol)}. Not only did she inspire me to keep moving f o r w a r d, but she reminded me of my WHY!

After this class I actually put on some of my favorite worship music and free-rode for awhile. To be honest, I haven’t really listened to that kind of music in a while. But as always, it took no time to remind me why I love it so much. I immediately began to feel. And not just “meh,” but an entire spectrum of feelings. Being able to move my body on that bike while listening to music that had gotten me through my worst of times was incredibly relieving. The connecting of the two was, honestly, sublime. I felt such release and such strength at the same time. I smiled, cried, and felt it all. I was reminded of who I am. That nothing about my past and nothing about my struggles define me. Nothing about them make me any less worthy. I was reminded that I am loved as I am. I felt loved and capable. Incredibly euphoric when you feel like you’re in a state of “meh” all of the time.

I was thankful.

So, that night as I was tossing and turning, I felt words and thoughts coming to mind. I quickly got my phone out and wrote this:

“Just stay alive. Keep going. There will be a moment where you remember your “why.” A moment where you experience the overwhelming sensation of triumph. And you won’t know how to express it in words or to others. But it will be enough to keep you here.

I know how hard it is. But, if you keep going even when you can’t see a light, if you continue to make “small” decisions every day, wake up and actively choose to participate in life…to live…You will be gifted a moment unexpectedly. It is in these moments where we receive the sustenance that we need to continue.

I guess that is what faith is. Holding on. Holding out. Even though we can’t see.

So find your power source. Get on the bike, take a walk, see a friend, get in nature…whatever it may be. Plug into it whenever and however you can.

You never know how close you are to a moment like this. So stay consistent because even when it doesn’t feel like it, it’s making a difference.”

All of that to say, I wasn’t (nor am I now) in a place where I felt like giving up on life. I am definitely OK. Emphasis on the O-K. And that is alright. It’s not a cry for help or me asking for pity or sympathy. It is just h o n e s t y. And we should all be a little bit more honest with one another about how we actually are doing.

It’s really easy when you experience depression to get stuck in a sort of this mundane state of mind and living. You can experience a lack of motivation, joy, excitement…depression, and not be suicidal.

It shouldn’t take getting to the point of not wanting to be here anymore in order for your feelings to be seen, valued, or taken seriously and taken care of.

So, like I said… be honest.

Find your power source.

And then, plug into it as much as you can.

Life has a funny way of surprising you with what you need when you need it. Even just for a little while. All you need to do is live it. One step at a time.

God Bless.