itsdaniriley

I have felt it inside of me for awhile now. The urge to just “say.” It has been a few years since I last wrote on here. Sometimes I go back and read what I have written. I am always surprised, no matter how much time has gone by, at how easily I can lose sight of how far I have already come.

I think it says a lot about a person when they are willing to be vulnerable and open. I think it’s beautiful. It helps to create the purest and most genuine human connections.

With that being said, if you feel the pull to read this, please do so open-heartedly and without judgement. I might also add that these thoughts aren’t organized and I don’t want to be distracted by trying to do so. I hope that in these words someone else might find understanding, empathy, self-love…

Today is August 22nd, 2021.

Just about a year ago my life looked very different. For those of you who do not already know, I have been battling mental illness since late 2015. There were a handful of “things” that contributed to the downward spiral in my mental well-being. This post is not to discuss those things. I am just merely trying to provide some background information for context. 

About a year ago I remember locking myself in a bathroom 1600 miles from home. I didn’t want to be alive if it had meant feeling the pain that I was feeling. This was not the first time and would not be the last time I felt this way. 

At the same time I didn’t want to die.

I think a lot of people misunderstand suicide & suicidal ideation. Actually, I think MOST people misunderstand. I think that if what I thought wasn’t true, the part of me right now that automatically feels ashamed and fearful of being seen as “selfish” just wouldn’t be triggered to do so. But I do. So it is scary to share something so unpleasant about one’s self. However, again, I believe vulnerability fosters the deepest form of human connection. And if I can get anything out of life it is true connection in order to share love and help others. 

When I sit here and visualize me on that bathroom floor, I remember crying to my mom on the other end of the phone line. A phone that wasn’t even mine. I had refused to talk to anyone, so they called her instead. I cried to her angrily as if any of this was her fault. Refusing any sort of help she was trying to give. I didn’t want it. I automatically want to push the thought out of my head. It’s painful. My body and my mind remember. In fact, they remember so well that in just recalling on this memory, I feel nauseous and I shake. That is what a traumatic experience can do to you. However, even if my whole being wants to respond with ‘flight’ instead of ‘fight; I have been in too much therapy and have come far enough in order to be brave enough to sit with these uncomfortable feelings. You will be running your whole life if you choose to do this.

The thing is, emotions CAN cause the body to physically feel ill. Poor emotional health and well-being can literally cause a weakened immune system. The longer you push away these emotions and uncomfortable feelings, the deeper they set into your entire being. None of us get away with avoiding in this life. There will always be pain and hurt, but you have a choice in how you deal with it.

Like I said, I have been to too many therapy sessions to believe I am able to run from my feelings forever. So instead, I recognize and acknowledge. I try not to judge myself by saying “I shouldn’t still feel so upset.” Or, “I should be ashamed for putting my loved ones through that”. I just recognize what comes up. Self-judgement is one of those things that I don’t think ANY of us realize just how bad of a problem it is for us. How many times have you belittled your feelings because you didn’t think they were valid enough? How many times have you prefaced sharing your feelings with, “I know it’s stupid, or silly, or dumb” ? I catch myself so much now. I believe in our society we are conditioned to be this way so it’s difficult to break the habit.

And let me just add real quick, that if you are not able to sit with uncomfortable feelings and painful memories because it is not yet safe for you, please be patient with yourself. Think about investing some time in having a safe place like therapy to practice. Your chapter 1 is not the same as someone else’s chapter 10. 

Today, I am practicing, feeling, and acknowledging what is coming up for me. The urge to share. The acknowledgment of healing that has happened in a year’s time. The pain that still exists. I let it all come up and flow through me. And to be honest, this really helps me to do so. Sharing with you. It gives me hope that I will be able to use my experiences to help.

So yea, last year around this time I was in a really dangerous place emotionally. I got to the point where words would no longer adequately express the emotional pain I was feeling. It was unbearable. I thought, if they see just how desperate I am for a way out of this pain, they will understand the agony I am in. But that wasn’t the case. You can NOT make somebody understand something that they are not willing to or capable of understanding. Not only did I fail at making them understand, I thought of myself as a coward because I threatened my own life and did not follow through.

Some things I have learned about myself throughout the past few years of hurt and healing is that there is nothing wrong with me because I am so sensitive. I am a Highly Sensitive Person and an Empath. It is my greatest strength. I was put on Earth to love others. At the same time though, my greatest strength in my worst of times made me feel alone. I was so desperate to be understood. I felt so lonely. I still have a difficult time finding words to articulate my feelings sometimes. This is because my feelings are deep and I understand how shallow words can be. I wish
people were more careful with them. But anyways, the whole point of this being… you can’t make somebody care like you do. You can’t make somebody understand something that they can’t. And that is ok. Your pain, hurt, whatever you are feeling, is not diminished by their inability to understand it at its full capacity. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling so deeply. It’s not “uncool” or “too much.” It’s beautiful and to be loved by you is a gift. Keep showing who you truly are no matter how scared of being misunderstood you might be. You are beautiful and you have a beautiful life that is worth living.

I know that in the moment I sat locking the only person who I thought could help me on the other side of the door, I felt I wouldn’t be able to make it through. To me there was only one person who could help me and in order to do so they had to understand how I felt and why I felt it..and he just couldn’t. I didn’t want anyone else to tell me it would be ok. I just wanted to be fully seen. Today, I understand that if I can’t help myself by accepting myself as I am, nobody else will be able to. I know that I’m not always going to be understood. That I’m going to hurt people unintentionally. That my heart will break again. It is still my biggest fear, to not be fully understood, but I’m learning to be OK with it. I’m learning to accept my past and forgive, especially myself. I’m learning that to be a highly sensitive and empathetic person is rare and it is beautiful. I have learned that I am so thankful that no matter how many times I wanted it to, my story did not end. I’m thankful that there is so much beauty to come from it. I’ve learned that no matter how deep and real the pain is that I feel, it’s never worth leaving. I love you guys. 

God Bless.